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The #1 Parenting Mistake Loving Moms Make!

Years back, my 87-year-old grandmother, who had seven children and 28 grandchildren, mused, “I feel rather sorry for mothers these days… they just expect so much of themselves.
Kelly
Parenting coach and homeschooling mamma Kelly Elise Nault with her puppet friend Razzle Frazzle.

Years back, my 87-year-old grandmother, who had seven children and 28 grandchildren, mused, “I feel rather sorry for mothers these days… they just expect so much of themselves.” Then, under her breath, the punchline: “Of course, I feel even sorrier for fathers.”

 

Well, my truth chord was hit… I knew I resembled the remark. I still think of her words often. The fact is, most of us mothers are too busy, too overscheduled, too plugged in and too worn out, because our expectations are just too high.

 

Parenting never has been and never will be for lightweights. And being a mom (or dad) takes more courage today than ever before, simply because thereare more distractions than ever. We’ve all had our share of those REALLY hard parenting days… the ones where we plain ol’ forget to deep breathe, our patience goes the way of the dodo bird, and we forget that what we really need is a good night’s sleep so we can start fresh tomorrow.

 

The distractions are mighty powerful though. There’s the mortgage payments, sick child, rent due, job demands, that next extracurricular to rush off to, the meeting we’re late for, onslaught of appointments, the forgotten lunch, the skinned knee, that urgent text, the dog who got skunked (remember the good old days when we had no skunks on island?!!!), the runny nose, the diaper change, the pressure to be there, the homework help and the dirty laundry and last night’s dishes and and and… Well, it can all feel like crazy-making.

 

It’s when these items begin to occupy all of our attention that we can become snippy and short with the kids, our spouse, our friends… So maybe your kid’s behaviours are annoying you (even the ones others think are cute!), or perhaps you’re feeling guilty for constantly correcting, constantly rushing, and constantly being the one to toe the family line. That’s no fun for anyone. Can you relate?

 

While we can’t change the unexpected stresses that crop up, we can change our approach to our weeks and days, and mindfully choose what we put on our to-do lists.

 

What I’ve discovered after 21 years in the parenting trenches—as a nanny and childcare worker, then as a family counsellor and parenting author, and now as a homeschooling mom—is this: in order to more joyfully parent, we need to ask better questions so we can experience better outcomes. Start with simple questions like: “So what would make it a great week for you? For our family?” Sincerely ask yourself, “When’s the last time I REALLY laughed?”

 

A few years back, I heard our son ask his dad this very serious math problem: “So Daddy, how many times bigger is your bum than mommies?” Well, it made me LOL. It also reminded me that I hadn’t been laughing enough. We go through seasons, don’t we? Sometimes life’s just more taxing. Plus, it’s easy to fall into the status quo and stay busy—after all, it’s normal, and so accepted.

 

Sometimes, what I REALLY need is a good dose of my own customized parenting chill pill: going to my friend’s games party, cutting work and heading to the lake, planning my own play-date with that girlfriend who makes me laugh, making a pot of homemade soup, letting that issue go, or picking up a movie or book that’ll make me cry.

 

We’ve all heard it before: “When Momma ain’t happy… ain’t nobody happy.” This is parenting wisdom at its finest. We absolutely need to be grounded in the things that mean something to our heart and soul, so we can model for our kids what it means to be a healthy and happy adult.

 

You see, it’s really not being busy that’s the problem. It’s actually not the multitude of extracurricular activities, the immense work, the meal prep, the need for two incomes, the pressure to do something meaningful… not even the onslaught of information and interruptions. These are all just noise (and annoying noise, at that!).

 

What it comes down to is the number-one mistake most loving moms make (and as a recovering people-pleaser, I’ve certainly been there and done it myself) is that we fail to have a calming reset parenting blueprint in place. Essentially, we don’t have a mommy off-button! Oh, we flirt with it… a sudden burst of motivation to go to that exercise class, try that new diet, or attend that recommended yoga class. And these are great, but often, like our sincere New Year’s resolutions, they fall flat when we don’t have a solid blueprint to fall back on.

 

So, what’s your calming parenting reset blueprint? Does it include:

•   a regular way to tame your schedule?

•   time on task when it comes to boosting your kids’ happiness and health?

•   the ability to positively transform those challenging times that can drag you down?

•   and finally, mindfully raising children who are humbly confident and less anxious?

 

Indeed, it’s asking better questions, getting a clear, calming reset parenting blueprint in place, and being gentler with yourself that can go far in making your parenting days easier. This’ll help you leave that sense of utter overwhelm behind and end more weeks on highs rather than exhausting lows. If I had just one wish for all of us Bowen moms, this is what it would be.

 

Kelly Elise Nault, M.A. recovering people-pleaser, award-winning authour, family counsellor and mommy calm coachis seeking 25 Bowen moms and friends of friends to test her Mommy Calm, Kids Calm Online Course. For info: https://www.joyfullyparenting.com/p/Bowen