Kelly Matzen calls herself a play-at-home mom but comes with an impressive list of credentials including a masters degree in counseling psychology and an award-winning book titled When You're About To Go Off The Deep End, Don't Take Your Kids With You. The parenting expert will share her expertise with a group of parents in her upcoming Mommy Mastery course plus two free workshops on Wednesday, October 3, and Saturday, October 13.
Matzen shows up for her interview with her son Tyler in tow, presenting an opportunity to observe her as a parent in action. She doesn't disappoint, neither does Tyler who sits patiently through the hour-long interview, now and then asking questions of his own.
"For me, parenting is a lot about common sense that is not so commonly used," Matzen says. "Nothing I'm going to say is rocket science." She adds that often people come to see her and have an 'oh-yeah'-moment when they hear things spelled out.
Matzen has seen clients who are dealing with difficult behaviour and struggles at school and says. "The first things I will look at, right out of the gates, is the sleep schedule. Are they sleep deprived?" she says. "Often they go past that tired phase into that adrenaline-rush phase and they think that they are not tired. A lot of studies link lack of sleep to increased misbehaviour and also lower grades."
Matzen has found this to be an issue affecting local families. She adores Bowen, she says, and has been living here for a year. "You can't get me off the island," she laughs. "This is fairy tale land for parents and their kids, it really is. The sad part for me is that there are some families who are struggling when there are some simple things they could do that could make a difference."
Matzen says that she has been in "the parenting trenches for over 20 years" and her approach has shifted with time. "At the outset, I used a lot more punishments and rewards and for some kids, it'll appear to work. Fortunately for me, I then met my match. I was the go-to girl for children with special needs and I got pretty good at it," she says, adding that she got a bit "cocky" thinking that this works for everyone. Matzen was called in to work with two boys aged five and six. "I thought it would be a piece of cake," Matzen laughs. "And that night, a dessert plate came zinging by my head. I realized that maybe I wasn't as good as I thought."
Matzen says that some parents also find that what works with one child doesn't necessarily work so well with another. Or that a child might suddenly display a new behaviour or that they come back from school where they picked up on other children's behaviours.
"Whenever we're disciplining, redirecting or teaching, we think about the true message we are trying to get across," Matzen explains. "Are we teaching virtues, respect, compassion or joy?" Matzen thinks that, without being aware of and clear on the message, we may only stop the behaviour in the moment. "Frankly, a lot of the discipline used by parents and teachers only teaches our kids not to get caught next time," she says.
For some of Matzen's talks, she asks members of her audience to raise their hands if they ever lied to their parents. "Yes, I see that your hands are up too," Matzen says with a laugh but then she grows serious and adds, "That's my big concern. It's not to avoid doing things because you'd get in trouble but to do them because they're the right things. So how do you teach those emotionally intelligent perspectives to children. Frankly, it's a heck of a lot easier and more enjoyable for parents and children." But this is not widely taught and Matzen says she is constantly amazed because "we need licences to get married, to drive and to fish, yet we're given amazing opportunities to raise children and lot of parents are not prepared for that."
"Parenting is the most difficult job on the planet and one that is not respected enough," Matzen says. "My heroes in this world are mothers, fathers too but mostly mothers, and I don't think we get enough credit."
"The challenge that I see on island sometimes is that there is so much freedom. But with that freedom, many times there are not enough boundaries," Matzen says. She adds that she doesn't mean boundaries that will impede creativity or hamper independent thinking. Her big concern is that after Generation X and Generation Y, the Generation S (generation spoiled) is on the rise. "It's frightening to me that many children grow up with such a sense of entitlement and are not looking for what they can give but are constantly looking for what they can get," Matzen says. "I personally do not want to live in a world where everyone is just looking out for him or herself."
"As Bowen Island parents, we get to make sure that, yes, we celebrate that freedom. But we are also making sure that the boundaries are there," Matzen advises. She adds that her professional career has taught her not to judge people but to look at the behaviour and the outcome and then see what is working and what may not be working well.
Matzen says she sometimes wants to show parents a mirror or even a crystal ball and say: "In my best estimate if you have a child who has those values and these beliefs about the world and who they are, where is that going to lead in five years or ten years?"
Matzen says a lot of parents come to her and say, "My child is rebellious."
"They think that this is the problem," she says. "And I have to tell them that this is not the problem - it's the solution for [the kids]. And our job is to become a team and find out what was the initial problem and how can they solve that in a way that is respectful and in a way where they connect more and have more fun. With a lot more laughter and fewer tears for everybody."
"Sometimes parents come to me when they have a second, third or fourth child and it's becoming too much, when mom's batteries are low," Matzen said, explaining that she has gone through a similar experience. "When I was working with Grant and Graham, I would be with them for three or four days straight in their home doing lunches, taking them to school, all of those kind of things. I was also doing my pre-doctoral internship and was really stressed."
Matzen recalls that she had often told the boys when she was getting frustrated that her batteries were getting low and needed to be recharged, asking them to give her five or ten minutes. "We were walking to school one day and I was nagging them to hurry up. I was not a happy camper. And the youngest one looked up at me and said, 'You know, I'm starting to think that your batteries are just not the rechargeable kind,'" Matzen laughs. "I was ripe for a mommy-breakdown and I'm glad I had this experience early."
Matzen admits that she still has some of those moments but is much more aware of the impact it can have on the family's life. "Many of us are living life on automated pilot and are not taking time to say: Is this really working for me? Or could we do it better?"
Matzen's goal is to shift the focus from crisis management to prevention. "Right now, I am starting what I call a Mommy Mastery group." Matzen says, adding that dads will be invited to join some of the sessions.
"If I can help moms to be happier, it usually triggers a domino effect in the family," Matzen says. "I'm excited to give them this intensive, hands-on experience. This has been a career dream for me."
Matzen hopes to have an on-line component on her website and the Bowen group will serve as a kind of a lab.
"They'll have access to me even between sessions to say, 'I've been trying this, what do I do now.'"
"I had that kind of access when I needed it," she says about her time looking after Grant and Graham. "I could call my advisors. When push came to shove, I had backup," she said. Matzen says that she will include role play in her sessions and adds that she is "really good at having a temper tantrum." She'll do a home visit and chat with the dads and the kids to get them on board.
Mommy Mastery is billed as "a nine-month-program to bring out mommy's best, so she can inspire more of the family's best."
For more information about the course as well as the workshops on Bowen Island or to sign up, please contact [email protected].
