Worry impacts children and families, and it starts with the parents’ expectations.
I have had a mom tell me that after she drops her child off her whole body is left feeling overwhelmed.
“The thought running through my head is, that’s one more time that the morning didn’t go the way I wanted it to… It’s as if I’m having ‘one of those days’ all the time,” said the mom.
You know when you are having one of those days? You are worried about how your day will unfold before your feet even hit the floor. At some point, most parents have had the thought, why do I never seem to have it together like everyone else does? In our small community, it’s hard to escape from comparison because you often see the same group of people every day. As a clinical psychologist, I know the effect that comparison has on a person’s self-worth. It generally leads to anxiety and that anxiety impacts the entire family.
We all have ways of coping with the idea that we are not enough. Some of us hide, like dropping off the kids and never leaving the car. Or we try to make up for it by becoming a super-parent and never taking down-time, which is exhausting. Or we avoid by micro-managing so that nothing bad ever happens to our child. The end result of all of this is often a tail-spin. Physiologically, our whole body spends its day in reaction. If it goes on too long, the anxiety leads to depression, or adrenal fatigue, or both. The good news is anxiety isn’t an illness or a disease. It’s a way of coping with our fearful thoughts, and thoughts can be changed.
When I run workshops for people in other countries, I notice that parents all over the world have the same desires. We all want our children to be healthy, to feel happy and to have a sense of belonging in the world. So we pay attention to the tiny details of our children’s lives, and that very loving act can get overwhelming. The very best intention that we have, to give them the best life possible, can lead us down the path of comparing ourselves and coming up short.
Gordon Neufeld says, “Children do not experience our intentions, no matter how heart-felt. They experience what we manifest in tone and behaviour.”
Often, our tone and behaviour falls seriously short of the way we truly want to be. Too many parents think they are the only one going through this and they are not.
Brené Brown says, “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we are all in this together.”
Come join other parents for two hours of exploring The Impact of Parental Anxiety on Children. The program will run twice, so you can find the time that suits you: Tuesday, Feb. 7 in the morning or Wednesday, Feb. 8 in the afternoon. Call Colleen O’Neill at the Caring Circle: 604-947-9100.
You don’t have to have “one of those days” every day.
Carolyn Nesbitt is a registered psychologist and an international workshop leader, specializing in anxiety, depression and trauma. carolynnesbitt.com
