This is the article that doesn’t usually get written. Especially not here in our idyllic island home, a place where we’re known to take pride in our active sense of community, we might even brag a little (modestly of course) about the friendly goings-on in our neighbourhood. I do it. God forbid I am proud of where I live and I’m willing to say so. However, that said, please note that this article is not about apologizing for how connected we are, nor is it about undercutting our community, it is about the reality that the holidays can be an incredibly lonely time for many people. They can be a field of isolation for some and can even trigger a downward spiral into something that is more than just the Christmas blues.
Islander Carolyn Nesbitt is a psychologist with a keen desire to help kids and adults who suffer with anxiety and depression. She has a gift and a calling to work with people who have experienced trauma. With close to thirty years in the field and a professional tool-kit that’s a combination of traditional therapy, brain science, and meditation added to her personal creative and spiritual life, I thought she would be the perfect person to help anyone who might be struggling with feelings of emptiness and not belonging. Her main message for all who dance with the dragon of depression is YOU MATTER TO ME, and by me, I mean to me, Tina who is writing this article, to Carolyn who helped to inform it, to The Undercurrent who helped to choose this topic. Also, you matter to your community here on Bowen Island who lives with you, sees you, and values your place in our island home. You matter. You truly do.
I came into the world with a happy pill permanently planted inside me. Yes I have danced with the dragon at times too, and yes, I have experienced grief and loss as well. All that being said, I am blessed with a somewhat ‘happy’ disposition. I can be painful to be around for some because I’m just so damn positive most of the time. I’m 44 (well in a few days), and as Carolyn says so beautifully “no one gets to mid-life without a few scars. Mid-life is the great equalizer for all of us.” In the past few years I’ve found that I, too, have the wall of futility more than once, and seen and my inner happy pill failing me. At those times I’ve found myself at a loss as to what to do about it.
Now imagine being in this place during the holidays. It’s human nature to want to avoid it in ourselves, and with other people, after all, we’re not therapists. We’re not family, we might not even be friends, but we are community. We are in each other’s back pocket at the General Store, at Irly, at the Gas Station. We are connected. So what can we do?
This is where I defer back to Carolyn: “The gifts we give over the holidays are meant to convey that you matter to me. When we give from that place, we ignite our own life-force and open up the possibility of firing up theirs. We experience belonging.
We feel loveable. We feel worthy. The gift can be as simple as making eye contact at a party and sharing a smile. It sends the message that you matter, and for someone dealing with depression, this can be the difference maker.”
She also said something that really changed the rules for me. She said, “We must bring our whole self to every social engagement. When we hold on to the belief that only our ‘best side’ is what is appropriate, we start to believe that it’s also the only side that’s ever wanted which then becomes proof that who we are is un-loveable.”
But surely sharing a long list of what’s wrong isn’t appropriate either. Is it?
“You can bring your whole self to the holidays without losing yourself in the process. When someone asks how you are doing you can say: honestly, I’m struggling right now, but we’re at a party and I’m not up to talking about it... That honours what is true but also respects the context of where you are.”
Okay, I say, but what if you’re the person on the receiving end? I don’t know about you, but I want to avoid those awkward moments as much as possible.
“Again, you can give the gift of you matter to me by simply holding eye contact and listening. You might offer ‘I’m sorry to hear this. Do you have someone you can talk to? Are you alone for the holidays? You can check in without taking-on becoming their caretaker.”
If you are beginning to experience the overwhelm of isolation here are some suggestions from Carolyn to help you reconnect with your life-force.
- Get outside and breathe in some fresh air.
- Make eye-contact with someone today.
- Pick up the phone and keep dialing until someone picks up. You only need to say hello to get a conversation started.
If you have some energy to pull yourself up a few more rungs of the ladder, try:
- Writing down 3 things you are grateful for. Read them and re-read them.
- Give to someone else that which you crave. Choose to smile at a few people and receive their smile that comes back.
- Meditate on a phrase that creates a sense of peace in your body. It might be “I matter and I am loved.”
We live in community. In doing so, we don’t have the luxury of experiencing only the more desireable situations. We get them all. It’s daunting to step into the arena of connection and risk dueling with the dragon of depression, but if we are the community we wax on about, then surely, this is part of how we hold each other together.
If you are reading this and feeling completely at a loss, know that you matter. In light of opening up for this article, Dr. Nesbitt is available by phone to anyone who is in dire need of connection over the holidays. You can reach her on her business line at 604-376-9801.
