Warning: If you’re blissfully happy with your family screen-time usage, stop reading now.
It was 2005 P.F. (Pre-FaceBook) when I first witnessed the addictive power of the screen. A mommy friend called her kiddos to their favourite pancake breakfast, but all was silent—a little worrisome, when it comes to preschoolers. Being a helpful house-guest, I began to search and found them glued to the biggest TV screen I’d ever seen outside a movie house. Zombie-like, they were both deaf to my words and completely blind to my presence. It wasn’t until I stood between them and the screen that I got a response—a mighty annoyed one. I managed to get them to the kitchen table, but only after finding the off-button.
Fast forward a decade, and screens are significantly smaller and more portable. This convenience makes constant tech temptations and distractions endless—the beeps, that post, another text, an app, that dog video, and the endless maze of links. Sure, there’s merit to technology—educational apps, on-line banking, our prized FitBit (and what would we do without Skype to touch base with long distance grandparents or keeping in touch with our kids while on the road?) but all this can make slipping into screen dependency dangerously easy.
My concern isn’t about what technology provides, it’s about what it often replaces: things like sleep, creative play, emotional and cognitive learning, exercise and yes, even the dying arts of eye contact and belly-button gazing.
Seeing as screens are here to stay, I’ve got six screen-time detox rules to help ease the anxiety and struggle we modern parents face when navigating screen time and using our devices wisely:
1. Be a media mentor. This step is important because if you’re jumping at every text and tethered to your iPhone, your children will follow suit. Children watch what we do, infinitely more than they listen to what we say. Could you do 3, 6 or 12 hours without a device? Do you ever put your device away for a whole afternoon? If these questions have got your eye twitching or give you the heebie-jeebies, then Houston we may have a problem because one screen-time junkie can’t help another.
2. Set screen-time limits as early as possible - too much screen time can keep children in a constant state of fight or flight, increase their anxiety, increase behavioural challenges, contribute to sleep problems and impair their health and wellbeing. So do establish rules you’ll follow through on.
3. People and connections are more important than screens. It’s sound advice, but often overlooked. Face-to-face contact over FaceTime and Facebook is imperative. Actively carve out time for face to face eye contact in your daily routine. Use screens to connect to others, to connect to ideas your children are passionate about and to support their curiosity. Gathering around the dinner table without screen interruptions can be one of the most important house rules you set. Another may be putting your phone away while breast-feeding, using it as a time to belly-button gaze and keep eye contact with your infant. Despite popular belief, our brain doesn’t multi-task any of the non-automatic things—it just toggles back and forth. Earl Miller, MIT professor says:
“People can’t multi-task very well, and when people say they can, they’re deluding themselves…”
So when you think you’re sending that text and simultaneously listening to your child…you aren’t doing either well. Screen multi-tasking is not only soul-sucking but a myth. The more we multi-task, the more we fatigue the brain (ever heard of mommy brain?). Better delineating between family-time and work-time, or between your screen-time and non-screen-time means giving your children more of your quality presence and being more efficient in your work.
4. Put your family’s biological needs first - Are you aware that light emitting from screens alters our natural sleep rhythms? Making bedrooms in your home screen-free zones, at least ninety minutes before bedtime, is critical. Another issue is that too much sedentary screen-time can turn kids into sloths—replacing exercise and play and minimizing happy stress-reducing endorphins. Not only does this habit increase the chances of obesity but also of sleep issues. That’s why sound sleep habits and exercise need to come before screen-time privileges.
5. Mindfully prioritize your family’s emotional and spiritual needs. Perhaps, the reason so few of our grandparents used yoga or meditation was that their life was a walking meditation—filled with daily routines and chores that naturally nurtured and fed their biological needs and soul. One of the most important changes I’ve made is to make most Sundays our weekly unscheduled wifi-free days, and unplugging means we plug back in on Monday with more energy and zest.
6. Establish media transparency and connection. As responsible parents, we’ve gotta have a pulse on how and what our children are being exposed to, as they can be exposed to much in the blink of an eye. Aside from keeping devices in the shared areas of our home, delay giving younger children their own devices for as long as possible. Just because used phones are a dime a dozen doesn’t mean your children are ready for the responsibility—nor should they necessarily have one.
As busy parents, it’s easy to become overly dependent on devices and use them to become the homework helper, the free 24/7 babysitter and the virtual body guard who can quickly locate your teen at the drop of a hat. But without helping our children to gradually learn self-regulation and putting limits on their technology, the downsides, like the world-wide web itself, are virtually endless. Media can be highly addictive, and executive functioning develops over the course of your children’s maturation. You need to set healthy technological limits that are in harmony with your values and connect your world, rather than disconnect you.
Kelly Elise Nault, M.A. recovering-people pleaser & family counsellor is seeking a handful of busy moms, wanting to tame their busy schedules and boost their family’s patience levels, to join her Mommy Calm, Kids Calm Success Habitsonline parenting course. Email [email protected] for more info.
