Je t’aime.
So beautiful to hear. But what happens if you don’t understand French?
That is the type of communication gap that happens all the time between spouses. When couples come to me for help, what I know is that somewhere along the way, they stopped recognizing their spouse’s attempt at saying, “I love you.” It’s often because they speak different love languages. Author Gary Chapman is convinced that there are five ways to express love emotionally: “Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.”
Words of affirmation
A woman I know said to me, “I do so much for everyone, and I never feel appreciated. No one ever says thank you. I just would like someone to notice.” Her primary love language is verbal appreciation. She continued, “I notice that when I come home, the dog bounds over and wags its appreciative little tail – appreciative that I exist. What a lovely greeting! We humans can take a lesson from our pets.” If her family wants her to feel loved, they need to verbally tell her. They can use words such as, “thank you… I appreciate you… I really like you… you mean a lot to me!” And on Valentine’s Day, a handwritten card with personal things they notice and appreciate about her will go a long way to help her feeling loved.
Acts of Service
I often hear, “Actions speak louder than words. Show me, don’t tell me.“ When my husband changes the oil in the car, he sees it as an act of love. Although I appreciate that he did it, I tend to see it as a chore that someone had to do. I had to learn to become bilingual in this area. I now choose to see his service as an act of love – and I have to do that consciously or the meaning of his act would be lost. Someone whose primary love language is service says, “Talk is cheap.” If that reminds you of your spouse, and you want to say “I love you” in a way that they can hear it, then take out the garbage, prepare the meals, pick up the stuff around the house. And on Valentine’s Day, go out of your way to do something for them that you wouldn’t normally do.
Receiving Gifts
I grew up with a very generous father, one who wasn’t good at expressing his feelings verbally. However, he never failed to return from a trip with a little gift in for me. So now, when a friend brings over strawberries, beans from the garden or a new scarf, I feel such delight! It’s not about the cost – it’s that the person thought of me when they brought this thing to me. The language of gifts can be misunderstood by those who see gifts as so much landfill, but if that is your spouse’s primary language, understand that they will feel loved when you present them with pretty much anything that you have thought of yourself. And on Valentine’s Day, don’t ask them what they want – just get them something that they wouldn’t normally buy for themselves – anything! - and have it wrapped and waiting for them when they wake up.
Quality Time
If your spouse’s primary language is quality time, you will help them feel cherished and loved when you give them your undivided attention. Put your cell phone away, turn off the computer, look into your loved one’s eyes, listen and interact. This does not mean doing chores together: that activity is for the person whose love language is service. It does mean a minimum of twenty minutes of one-on-one connection. So on Valentine’s Day, walk around Killarney Lake, through the meadows and go out for brunch – just the two of you.
Physical Touch
In our home, physical touch is a big way of feeling loved. When we watch a movie together as a family, I never want to miss the opportunity to cuddle. I prefer to sit on the couch beside one of the kids or my spouse, rather than the chairs, no matter how comfy they are. Each of us likes the simple act of holding hands, although I notice my teenager choosing this less frequently – I think her language might be words of affirmation, and she does like her space. If your spouse’s primary love language is physical, even if yours is not, it will be like a drink of water in the desert for you to sit next to him or her, touching, arm around the waist or shoulder. And on Valentine’s Day, as Charlotte Diamond so wisely sings, “Four hugs a day – that’s the minimum!”
Je t’aime. Ich liebe dich. Ti amo. Te amo. Ik hou van jou.
If you don’t know what language your family and friends speak, ask. Discuss how you each feel cherished. It’s not about convincing each other that one way is better or right. It’s about knowing that you and they can learn what makes each other feel valued. Let it land with a big “Aha!” As you connect with your loved ones this Valentine’s Day, be bilingual! Let them know how much you love them in your language - and their’s.
Dr. Carolyn Nesbitt is a Bowen island psychologist. She can be found at www.CarolynNesbitt.com.
