We do NOT talk much about how we die. Yet facing death is thoroughly interesting and absorbing and challenging. I have choices which I have reviewed, and either adopted or discarded. I think I have hit upon the right choice for me.
I have talked it over with friends and relatives. It is not a forbidden topic. Anything but.
-Gillian Bennett, www.deadatnoon.com
Last week, following Gillian Bennett’s very public death, a number of the seniors at Bowen Court who knew her gathered together with a bottle of sherry (Gillian’s favourite drink) to toast her life and share memories of her. The conversation turned, as might be expected, to discussing the manner of her death (she took her own life) and her wish to not go on living in a physical body while her mind deteriorated. The group also discussed their own futures, should the quality of their lives deteriorate.
“We talked about how brave she was, and how hard it must have been for her husband and children to deal with her death,” says Louise Ferguson. “We talked about the places where assisted suicide is legal and discussed how long it will take to become legal here. But whether it should be legal, that is something I have concerns about. Like a lot of people I swing from one side to the other on this topic.”
On the topic of creating a living will in case something happens and she is not able to communicate the care, or lack of care she wants to receive, Ferguson says that this is something she believes is important, but she has not yet done.
“The paperwork from Caring Circle has been on my desk for months, but I don’t know what I should be asking for and that’s why I haven’t completed it,” she says. “Answering those questions requires having more conversations with friends and family. Recently, I got together with a group of old friends – we all turned 75 within a few months of each other, and we’ve known each other since grade one – and it was definitely a topic we touched upon.”
Ferguson says what she hasn’t done is breach the topic with her stepsons.
“I know how bad things can be when people don’t prepare, and leave behind a mess – they’ve been through that with their father’s death,” she says. “But it is a hard subject.”
Paul Fast says that he views Gillian’s death, and her very public explanation about the choice to take her own life, as a gift.
“I really think we need to de-stigmatize conversations about death, and death itself,” he says.
Fast adds that while he has yet to fill out the paperwork for a living will, he has spoken to his children about his wishes for the end of his life.
“I don’t want any IV feeding, or any extra measures taken to prolong life. I have the do-not-resuscitate order on my fridge,” he says.
Carol Fancy was not at Bowen Court to share memories of Gillian Bennett, and did not in fact know her.
“But I feel like I do, though,” she says. “I get it, why she did what she did. I wouldn’t necessarily do it the way she did, I’d like to think there might be some other method. Sacagawea, the woman who led Lewis and Clark across North America, she knew when her time had come. She made her offerings, and like Gillian, went to her special place, and then just shut down. That would be nice but I guess no one knows exactly what they would do, until they actually get there.”
Fancy adds that she has made her wishes entirely clear to her children.
“I’m very straightforward about this, if I’m in a lot of pain, or if I can’t move and my quality of life is gone, I’d want to off myself. If it happened and I was incapable of doing that myself, I know I can’t count on them because they would be charged for it. That to me is very wrong and I want the Canadian Government to know that.”
Guy Bennett, Gillian’s son, says that she would be happy to know that these conversations are taking place.
“She was not an activist, she had one clear idea and she strived very hard to articulate it,” he says. “I don’t think my mother would have ever expected to change legislation, but I think she would be super-happy to have known she at least got people talking.”
A living will: ensuring you are in charge of the health care decisions that will affect you
In an effort to create one standardized way for people in B.C. to document their wishes for health care treatment in situations when they are no longer able to communicate, the BC Ministry of Health, in conjunction with other health care organizations created a booklet called, “My Voice: Expressing My Wishes for Future Health Care Treatment.”
This booklet is available at the Caring Circle for $5 or on the ‘My Voice’ website in a downloadable pdf format. Colleen O’Neil, Executive Director and Health Navigator for the Caring Circle, says much of the booklet is straighforward, but other parts require a bit of guidance.
“Caring Circle hosted two public workshops on Bowen to help guide people through the document. But despite an expert leading us through the more legal issues in the guide, there is a philosophical component that requires deeper thought i.e. “My beliefs - what gives your life meaning”, “My values - what I care about in my life” A group of about eight of us got together a few times and worked through the booklet over a bottle of wine. I would highly recommend this approach. We took turns reading parts of the first drafts of what we had written and that kind of brainstorming with friends helped round out what we may have come up with on our own.
O’Neil adds that in if you are unable to articulate a decision about health care yourself - say, to be given more pain medication if you’re in pain , even though it might slow down your breathing, and make you sleep more - your health care providers or perhaps an uninformed but caring family member, will make that decision for you.
“This might work for you because you trust your spouse or health care provider to do what’s best for you. On the other hand, perhaps there is someone else in your life who you feel knows you more intimately and would understand what it is you might want when you can’t speak for yourself. The My Voice document allows you to specifically name that person who you would like to speak on your behalf.
Caring Circle is going to organize another info/work session on the ‘My Voice’ document in late September.
